A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
"Back in time: Turkey - Switzerland"
As you probably know I will be working at the Euro 2008 Football championships in Switzerland (and Austria). Let's hope that Turkey will not meet Switzerland...
November 16, 2005: A brawl broke out between the two sides as they left the pitch after the final whistle that saw Switzerland make it to the final round of the 2006 World Cup despite a 4-2 loss to Turkey. Photographs showed Turkey's assistant coach Mehmet Ozdilek, who has since resigned, trying to trip Swiss midfielder Valon Behrami as the visiting team rushed to the dressing rooms.
He was then kicked by Switzerland's Benjamin Huggel, who went on to hurl himself at Turkish defender Alpay Ozalan.
The two grappled and fell to the ground as the scene exploded into a free-for-all.
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." "And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Airport pranks
Two guys have wasted their time at airports, in this case, London’s Heathrow, by writing down strange names and asking the airport Information Center to locate these people by calling out their names on the airport’s PA system. These guys would then hang out beneath the speakers and record the results.
In order to make it as believable as possible, they dressed up as chauffeurs and asked for help finding these people about 40 minutes after a Thai Airways or Air India flight had landed.They acted as if they could not pronounce the names themselves, so as not to reveal the joke, but just handed over a note with the names printed on it and asked the employ at the Information Center. After the fifth recording, they had to leave Heathrow as airport security figured out what was going on. The last recording is from Gatwick.
Give these guys the Big Practical Joker prize. Click on the 'play'-bar to listen to the recordings!
Looks like : Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed
Sounds like : I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired
Looks like : Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie
Sounds like : I've just been fired, and bye-bye everybody
Looks like : Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest
Sounds like : I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed
Looks like : Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet
Sounds like : Oo-ah, that feels better and now I need a shit
Looks like : Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted
Sounds like : My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard
Looks like : Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee
Sounds like : Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea
Having a bad day
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Fins. Could I please speak with Charlotte?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Charlotte's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is Johann Zurbriggen from Swisscom, the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 134 Miremont, in Geneva. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Niklaus Eggli," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Niklaus?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Niklaus, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Niklaus, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello." I said: "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked: "Are you still there?"
I said: "Yeah,"
He screamed: "Stop calling me!"
I said: "Make me!"
He asked: "Who are you?"
I said: "My name is Niklaus Eggli."
He said: "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said: "Asshole, I live at 134 Miremont, in Geneva, a yellow house, I have a black BMW parked in front."
He said: "I'm coming over right now, Niklaus. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said: "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said: "Hello?"
I said: "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled: "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said: "You'll what?"
He exclaimed: "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered: "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 134 Miremont, in Geneva, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down in Miremont in Geneva.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Geneva. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
